Always there

Over this decade long relationship I've had with yoga there have been times where we are "on and off" -yoga and I. When I'm swamped at school or work or can't find a comfortable spot to practice I've given yoga a backseat or a break. This happens to us all. Life is busy, it's true. If it's not yoga that takes the backseat it could be your health in general or a relationship with a person or people or a hobby or a pastime.

When I was living in Japan for a year I had a time of transition and adjustment as I dealt with a bit of culture shock and the shock of living so far from home for so long. Before traveling I had just completed my university education and worked a long summer to save up the money for a plane ticket. During this time my yoga practice had been very sporadic if at all. When I arrived in my Eastern home and was excited to have my own little apartment all to myself I was pleased to have just enough space to do yoga at home. However I started to berate myself for not practicing regularly and for all the time that I not practiced over the past couple of years. I felt guilty and ashamed that I hadn't put in the effort to something I know would bring nothing but benefits. Just the way I'm sure others will say to themselves, I know exercise is good for me but I'm too tired. Of course I plugged along and made myself take time out and do some yoga whenever I really had no excuse not to.

But there was one day in particular that I felt something different that hit me in a very real way. I had gone to the upstairs classroom where I taught ESL classes when I knew no one would be using it. I had thought that I would give myself a boost by making a PLAN to practice somewhere there was space and quiet and once I was there I'd have no choice but to focus on myself. No running away today saying I'm too busy I have other things to do. 

So I began by sitting back and laying my face towards the ground in child's pose. I like to begin in this pose as it is reminiscent of bowing. The bowing represents to me that I recognize the beauty and sacredness of life and my body and my breath and to honour my connection with everything around me. It was in this pose that I surrendered my guilt of the past years for not being "better" or more dedicated. I let go of past self criticisms and just let myself enjoy the presence of the pose. I suddenly felt a wave of kindness, support and love from...yoga. It doesn't matter where the feeling came from or what I want to try and call that source. What mattered in that moment was the distinct feeling that yoga had been and always would be, there for me. Knowing that there was something always there for me, always ready to be there when I was ready to meet it, gave me a feeling of unconditional love and non judgement. It was freeing. I realized that it didn't matter what happened before this exact moment. The fact was I was there now, practicing being present. And whatever happened after that moment didn't matter either. I didn't have to make promises or goals. I just had to enjoy my existence in that moment. And whenever I wanted I could do it again. No pressure. No guilt, no excuses.