Go On, Be Kind

Why is it so hard to be kind to ourselves? Is it because of an external force, such as taking on others expectations? Is it an internal force of holding ourselves up to impossible standards? There are so many angles we could look at this from, but the fact remains that we have trouble being kind to ourselves. Which means we must all be walking around with some grey rain clouds over our heads. Well, then again, there are those who believe they are cool as cats and are probably quite happy with themselves. But I'd challenge any one of them to a yoga class and see what their reactions would be to certain poses. However, for all I know perhaps they'd approach any and all poses with an unshakable sense of satisfaction that no matter what they physically struggled with, they would remain content with themselves. 

So, unless a person has already figured out how to maintain consistent confidence and contentment with absolutely everything they do, most people react to at LEAST one pose with self criticism. Of course, we all know constructive criticism is always helpful and necessary. But these gut reactions aren't always that constructive. I can see plainly on people's faces they are embarrassed when they can't reach farther in a forward fold or are unable to sustain a balance as long as someone else. Obviously I assure them it doesn't matter, it's alright. However, I'm not so sure they believe me. When I say, it's alright, I am trying to convey those simple words of kindness first. Afterwards I will explain that the look of a pose is not the point, or comparing ourselves is not the point either. The feeling inside and awareness of the feeling is what we're going for, which I'm sure they understand but the initial reaction still lingers. 

I deeply feel it's important to send out kind words whenever possible. We are capable of understanding concepts and ideas of self improvement, but when we are in the heat of a moment, kindness can sometimes go out the window. I see it in myself when I have lost my motivation and energy to complete a full hour of practice and I hear myself berating me for not being better. While there is something to be said for an internal drive to be better I still try to be a small voice of kindness for others when they exclaim "I must be doing this horribly". Maybe they ARE doing "horribly" but according to what? Each day is different, each moment is different, bringing new challenges or relief. We are in constant fluid change. Maybe I don't need that full hour on this particular day at this particular time. Who am I to know for sure what's "better"? Maybe we need to do horribly in order to know what it's like? 

Might as well seize the moment to extend some kindness in this harsh world. So, it's alright. Don't worry. There will always be bigger things to fret over, save your energy for those things and in the meantime practice being kind to yourself. Don't stop working hard or moving forward, just try to be kind about it. 

Always there

Over this decade long relationship I've had with yoga there have been times where we are "on and off" -yoga and I. When I'm swamped at school or work or can't find a comfortable spot to practice I've given yoga a backseat or a break. This happens to us all. Life is busy, it's true. If it's not yoga that takes the backseat it could be your health in general or a relationship with a person or people or a hobby or a pastime.

When I was living in Japan for a year I had a time of transition and adjustment as I dealt with a bit of culture shock and the shock of living so far from home for so long. Before traveling I had just completed my university education and worked a long summer to save up the money for a plane ticket. During this time my yoga practice had been very sporadic if at all. When I arrived in my Eastern home and was excited to have my own little apartment all to myself I was pleased to have just enough space to do yoga at home. However I started to berate myself for not practicing regularly and for all the time that I not practiced over the past couple of years. I felt guilty and ashamed that I hadn't put in the effort to something I know would bring nothing but benefits. Just the way I'm sure others will say to themselves, I know exercise is good for me but I'm too tired. Of course I plugged along and made myself take time out and do some yoga whenever I really had no excuse not to.

But there was one day in particular that I felt something different that hit me in a very real way. I had gone to the upstairs classroom where I taught ESL classes when I knew no one would be using it. I had thought that I would give myself a boost by making a PLAN to practice somewhere there was space and quiet and once I was there I'd have no choice but to focus on myself. No running away today saying I'm too busy I have other things to do. 

So I began by sitting back and laying my face towards the ground in child's pose. I like to begin in this pose as it is reminiscent of bowing. The bowing represents to me that I recognize the beauty and sacredness of life and my body and my breath and to honour my connection with everything around me. It was in this pose that I surrendered my guilt of the past years for not being "better" or more dedicated. I let go of past self criticisms and just let myself enjoy the presence of the pose. I suddenly felt a wave of kindness, support and love from...yoga. It doesn't matter where the feeling came from or what I want to try and call that source. What mattered in that moment was the distinct feeling that yoga had been and always would be, there for me. Knowing that there was something always there for me, always ready to be there when I was ready to meet it, gave me a feeling of unconditional love and non judgement. It was freeing. I realized that it didn't matter what happened before this exact moment. The fact was I was there now, practicing being present. And whatever happened after that moment didn't matter either. I didn't have to make promises or goals. I just had to enjoy my existence in that moment. And whenever I wanted I could do it again. No pressure. No guilt, no excuses. 

Fancy words

Yoga is anciently known as a practice to achieve "cessation of the fluctuations of the mind". This doesn't automatically sound like something that has to do with twisting and breathing and balancing with a leg behind your ear, however it is truly a main goal, or rather beneficial side effect, of practicing any part of yoga. The main goal is probably different for every individual, since everyone comes to yoga with different hopes and expectations. The overall goal, I think, would be to let go of goals. Ultimately Samadhi or Bliss or Ecstasy is the "goal" but to reach this kind of state I believe takes a lot of letting go and we can learn to do this through yoga and through cessation of the fluctuations of the mind.

So what does that mean anyway? Anyone with a mind must know that it fluctuates constantly, or in other words races around non stop with a never ending stream of consciousness. Just think of those times when you're lying in bed about to go to sleep and you find yourself thinking about something. Then you get curious and you try to trace back your train of thought that lead you to think of that something. This is the fluctuating mind that is part of normal existence. Or you can use the image of brain waves that are undulating up and down during most waking states.

So does yoga really get us to cease and desist with this hyperactivity in our minds? And why do we need to do that anyway if it's so normal? Well of course our minds are amazing things and it's quite remarkable that we can take in so much information and store it and recall it and make abstract ideas with it. But what makes a mind truly remarkable is being well rounded. Our society and lifestyles encourage a multi-tasking, quick reacting, quick judging, surface scratching mind. Which is drowning out our natural ability to also do the opposite of that - focus on ONE thing, open up and let go of judging and take time to see beyond the surface. This may be a natural ability but one we're badly in need of practicing. Just like any other muscle if we don't use our concentration ability, we'll lose it. 

By practicing something like yoga we are challenged to put our bodies into a position that is potentially difficult to maintain and then are told to stay and breathe. Instantly our mind has thoughts racing by such as: ooh my leg is gonna start shaking soon; I don't think I look like her when I do this position what am I doing wrong?; this doesn't really feel like anything for me; this is a waste of time; breathe? huff puff huff puff okay, hurry up let's get on with it....etc. etc. etc. Sounds pretty fluctuate-y right? So we add that all important breath as a tool to begin working on that brain. Okay you are in this pose that strengthens the legs and boosts the immune system and tones the core, but as you are doing all of that, can you focus on ONE thing - your breathing? Can you focus on it and control it? Can you choose to become the master of your breath and not let it run away with you? This act in itself has begun to tame those fluctuations. It has given your mind  a task - use the sheer strength of your will to breathe slower and deeper when your body's habit is to breathe quick and fast and shallow. Of course there will still be more thoughts while you try to concentrate on breathing - I can't do it! I AM breathing, how much more can a person breathe? and so on :)

But that's why this is a practice. We won't be perfect. We won't get it right away. In fact we may feel as though we'll never get it, but the fact that we come back to practice again and again, time after time, shows that we are reaching a level of understanding.

Now that yoga has given us a way of learning to look past the up and down thoughts during a yoga pose, this can be applied to daily life. The next time you are in an uncomfortable position at work or in your personal life, see if you can feel yourself breathing. The split second it takes to step away from the situation and find your breath will be a moment that you are not spending getting caught up in your fluctuating mind as it reacts to the situation. It's an application of what is learned during mediation as well - meditation doesn't necessarily mean that the mind is cleared of all thoughts. It actually means that you are consciously stepping away from thoughts. They'll be there, racing around as usual, but you learn to let them race around without you. This ability, when actively practiced, will make you less quick to react to impulses. It will make you less likely to automatically act or think in a habitual way based on your particular upbringing and past experiences. What's wrong with reacting to impulses or thinking or acting according to your past experiences? It's not exactly wrong but it leaves out the possibility of being open to other options. Any time we act or think automatically it means we are not being mindful of our actions and thoughts. We are letting the fluctuations take us for a ride instead of being in the driver seat of our own life. When we step back from the up and downs, the impulses, we become present and fully conscious. From there we have a more objective and peaceful viewpoint. And wouldn't any mind like some more peace? So learn to create it for yourself. Do some yoga, or meditate, or just breathe. Practice being present.

My new spot

As a Canadian in Trinidad, life is full of discoveries. Not just the new foods, sights, and sounds, but discovering that some things are the same no matter where you go in the world.
Being here has been a serendipitous boost for the yoga in my life. I've been practicing and learning yoga for about ten years. Since coming to Trinidad however I've been blessed and fortunate enough to have the time, space and freedom to dive deeper into practicing, learning and sharing. I have a beautiful porch to my disposal, surrounded by trees and many birds who I delight in watching. It is my dedicated space for yoga or contemplation or dancing or listening to the birds and feeling the breeze. With this space I am now encouraged more than ever before to practice. I find that in life it is what's AROUND a thing that really makes or breaks the thing itself. The environment of a place determines how that place is used. The people that surround you determine how you change or grow. A seemingly obvious sign that everything is interconnected, and yet a sign that is easy to overlook. I realize now how right the feng shui has it! :)