Observer

I have determined, through reflection as well as through more obvious factual circumstances, that the main part I play in this life is one of an observer. From preferring to go off and wander up the big hill  in the school yard and sing songs to myself, or living as a foreigner in far away lands, I find myself falling into the category of "outsider" time after time. This is okay with me. It may have bothered me occasionally in the past, but I have come to accept this role and feel a safety here. I'm not saying that I go through life at a distance and separating myself and closing off. I have merely settled into this mind set of being ever so slightly stepped back from whatever I'm in.

What I mean is, I still enjoy being involved, being active, being out and about, as we Canadians are bound to say ;). But even while I'm IN something, I still have another set of eyes that I see through - an outsider's view. This is how I describe it and it's how I feel. I know it is just my perception, but I believe I come closer and closer to peace in fully understanding this perception. I'm sure many people who are labelled as "quiet" have this feeling at times due to our nature. I remember being told by my drama teacher in highschool that he could tell I was a person who took in everything around me; a person who internalizes. A person who internalizes doesn't always see a necessity to put extra effort into being heard and seen and otherwise be overly concerned with "output". I agreed with my teacher although I hadn't thought of it in those words. I liked that word though: internalized. It made me think of absorbing what is needed or beneficial, and rejecting or avoiding what is not. Nourishing the inner world. 

This tendency matches the kinds of things I am drawn to as well - dance (although it does usually have to be seen, it is more about the inner world than anyone who doesn't dance can begin to know), music (again usually heard but clearly a link to the inner world), yoga (duh), and enjoying the beauty and joy of nature and animals. When it comes right down to it, I think the world could use a little more observing. When we practice yoga we are learning to observe. We are asked to be IN something - a twisty pose, and yet stay aware of our breath and watch our thoughts and impulses without reacting right away. We are asked to sit or lie in stillness and watch our breath, feeling the motion and stillness at once. This is a state of observing, and according to Eckhart Tolle, the place where our true self lives. 

While, of course, life requires actions and reactions, there is also the need to BALANCE that with observation and non-reaction. Our day and age is one of hyperactivity, short attention spans, extreme highs and lows, good and bad tensions, etc. The trick is to level out the extremes. If we could all learn to take ourselves outside of the small pictures, maybe even step outside the big picture all together, we may find more peace. As an outsider, it is not my place to outwardly judge or control. I am not in a position to influence or change. I am an observer so the judging or changing will be within myself. The most I can do is to take in what's around, keep what I consider to be helpful and discard what I consider to be harmful. By observing as much as acting we can manage the extremes and move through life more easily. I am a huge fan of action - not the movie genre, although some are good. I fully embrace the drive to create, to improve, to communicate, to interact, to care, to try things. I just feel the QUALITY of our actions are being affected by a lack of observing before, during, and after.