Three Days With Meghan: Day One

I can't remember how exactly I came to stumble across some videos of a yogi named Meghan Currie, but I immediately recognized in her a bit of a kindred spirit. Her style of yoga and even her style of putting together videos reminded me of myself. Her dance-like quality of flowing and exploring in videos that are humbly set in a regular old room or a patch of sand, put to funky music, made me nostalgic for when I used to create dance improvisation videos in my tiny apartment while living in Japan. I could tell that in the same way that I had been doing, she was using these sessions of self expression as an artist does when they practice their skills. When I watched or followed along one of her online classes, I thought - this is exactly how I would move if I had the same abilities. She's crazy super strong and controlled and yet serenely gentle at the same time.

So when I saw randomly that she was going to be teaching workshops near where I am living in little Trinidad I immediately picked up the phone and booked my spot. I was not going to miss this.

Last night was the first workshop. I knew it would be challenging for me although I am an experienced mover (dance training from the age of 3 to the age of....now hehe) and practicing yoga for an average of 10 years, and now teaching yoga for a few years. I knew it would be hard because I knew it was going to be in a hot hot hot hot room with many hot breathing bodies. And I was right. I was beyond right because there was not a single fan, not a window open, not a door open, no air. This is my worst environment. I'm not saying it is THE worst as if everyone in the world should agree with me. It is the worst environment for my body and how I'm made up. I'm from Canada, and I'm the kind of Canadian who LIKES winter, although fall is my favourite season. Anywho, getting off topic. The place was warm. We were packed in like sardines. But I was just so happy she was there and I was there and we were all there.

We began. Meghan with her unique voice guided us to find "the tiniest sensation" in our selves. Easily, I felt the tiny drum of my resting heart beat. We continued through a slow, attentive, mildly torturous sequence that melted off at least one bucket of sweat. The sequence was familiar to me since I had often used her videos for my personal practice at home, but it was the most fully I had engaged with myself in a long time. The energy of having a live teacher there in the room, and whole lot of people around you focusing on their own experience makes your concentration narrow to a laser beam precision. I felt my whole body buzzing with the joy of being fully engaged, fully in my attention.

For the last half of the class we worked up to experiencing handstand with the help of supporting partners by taking three of four separate preparations that realigned our bodies and connected our upper bodies to our lower bodies through the integration of our core. I can't wait to do it some more because I now understand what I have to feel in order to achieve proper and efficient alignment and engagement.

As we made our way back to Savasana, the lights went out, the music swelled and in the momentary silence I found myself swimming in some emotional thoughts of how lucky I am for so many things in my life. At the same time I felt a creeping guilt, or a sense of why should I deserve all these good things? As soon as I acknowledged what it was I had just thought I chose to change that doubt to acceptance. I simply started saying thank you. A second later Meghan's voice came back in guiding us through Savasana and she said, "the most sweetly healing thing we can do for ourselves is to say thank you". I smiled. I was affirmed that we really are on the same page, as I'm sure most everyone in that room felt as well.

Looking forward to going back for more tonight to see what's in store.

Bending Backwards Into Deeper Self Knowledge

This past March I decided to follow a KinoYoga online challenge of a different back bending pose everyday. I don't normally stick very well to 21 day, or 30 day, or any other number of days, challenges. I usually start out very gung-ho and then fizzle out - slipping back into my usual routine of daily life and remembering here and there to squeeze in a challenge attempt. That's pretty much what happened with this challenge too, however I can say that I did not completely fizzle out. I didn't do each pose each day it was meant for, and I didn't even always warm up before doing them and just jumped onto the ground and tried a couple. Terrible. Never do that. Not a good a way to really experience a new or advanced pose. Not at all.

What I did do, I kept the challenge in mind during my classes and my own practice so that I incorporated more back bends whenever possible. Including more back bends in class was excellent for everyone. Even the most beginner body can benefit from moving the spine in the opposite direction to its usual position. As I'm sure you've heard a thousand times - sitting is not good for you. And yet it's what we do for a huge chunk of our waking time. Not to send you into despair, but it only takes beyond 40 minutes in a seated position to start wreaking havoc on your body and your body systems. Circulation is cut off, tissues aren't getting blood supply and therefore not being nourished, muscles and joints start to become weak and stiff and "frozen", fat accumulates making the work of your heart and other organs much harder, you become stressed and lethargic...Okay yes yes, it's not good. But what can you do?

Simple: MOVE. For every hour you sit, if you get up and walk around, lean back and stretch, and breathe a little more deeply you'll keep that long list of depressing side effects of sitting at bay. So if you haven't been doing that: start now. To make up for all those hours, days, or years of sitting for long periods of time, start practicing yoga regularly.

Back bending poses, especially, will nourish your body sending circulation rushing through those stagnant, stiff places that are usually cut off in sitting. They also boost your energy, giving you a feeling of being more alert. So if you're feeling sluggish and think you can't possibly make it to the end of the afternoon, bend backwards! Moving your body backwards stimulates all the nerves that run out of the spinal column, sending electrical energy through the whole body. It's your way of clicking the "refresh" button. The link between how you feel emotionally and how you feel physically is so strong and intermingled that you may not even be aware of it. After some back bending you can even improve your mood. Think of how it might feel to have your heart open and bright, lighting up your chest with life, or how it might feel to throw your shoulders back and lift your face to the sun. To me I think it would feel like freedom, like strength, like safe surrender, and like ecstatic joy.

When it came to my personal practice, there were days during the challenge that I took my time and sent myself somewhere new. I began my usual routine of sun salutations to ignite my body and my breath and continued with usual poses that build strength and stamina. When I approached my back bends I started simply. Cobras, Locusts, Bridges, leading into Bow and Wheel. Then I came to the ones in the challenge that I'm familiar with but don't practice as often: Fish, Low Lunge with a deep back bend, and a very advanced version of Bridge (pictured). These sent me into territory that is fragile - neck extension. 

Neck extension is controversial because of the importance of being safe with this area of the body where important nerves and blood vessels are traveling from the brain to the spine to the rest of the body. I will say here, that if you have ever felt pinching or restriction in your neck, consult a doctor before putting your neck in positions that don't feel quite right. Your neck should never feel not right. You must be honest with yourself and honour your body's safety. If you experience any pinching feelings, any sharp feelings, any tingling or numbness, any feeling that isn't good. Stop. You do not need to do these particular poses to achieve health and wellness and all the riches of the world. Know also, that people sometimes report "out of body" experiences when doing deep back bends and I have experienced them myself but because I know some anatomy I know that it was not an out of body experience. It was the lack of oxygen getting to my brain because my back bend was slightly closing off the blood vessels. Don't be freaked out by this thought. Our blood vessels are meant to be malleable and benefit from some squeezing (just think of a nice massage, practicing yoga is like massaging your whole body from the inside out). However when those blood vessels happen to be feeding your BRAIN, a little too much squeeze can put a kink in the garden hose so to speak and you may black out. I discovered this while in a full one legged pigeon as I reached over my head for my foot and dropped my head back. My vision went black and I understood I'd gone too far. In the darkness I felt myself calmly let go and bow down to the floor to rest. I came back to normal within seconds and felt no other problems but I learned that for me, extending my head all the way back is not a good position. ( One legged pigeon holding on the foot is still a pose I do, but I just do not drop my head back to touch my toes to my head. It's not for me and I'm totally cool with that)

Of course everyone is different so you may have no problem at all with any kinking of blood vessels. Do give everything a try, but be vigilant with your awareness. Listen and respond calmly to whatever your body tells you.

So, knowing my blacking out history you may be surprised to see me in these back bends with alot of neck extension. This is why you should give everything a try as long as you are aware and are keeping yourself safe. I know that if I apply a little bit of pressure with my head into the floor I can protect the back of my neck and therefore support my cervical spine. I made sure to use this pressure in these poses and found them to be quite therapeutic for my neck! Whoo hoo! So with confidence boosted, I proceeded to the more advanced back bands.

The first revelation I had with my back bends was upward facing staff pose. Its a pose with arms over the head and the neck extended so I was prepared to approach it cautiously and most likely have to come right back out at the first sign of blood vessel kinking. However I found as I straightened my legs and intensified the back bend with my legs and lower back, my neck extended all on its own and felt utterly free! My neck felt as if there was no weight on it, no pressure, no kinking! This is a pose I never knew I could do and I stayed with my breath with a big grin on my upside down face.

The second revelation was with poses that require the arms to reach up and over and for the shoulder blade to slide down the back. To get into these poses require a bit of a round about rotation and "flipping" feeling in the shoulder which takes me directly into the meatiest part of my scoliosis hump in my thoracic spine on the right side of my back. Did I mention I have a scoliosis hump? I do, but it's not so large that if affects my life so I don't think about it unless something brings my attention right to it. Advanced Bow and Dancer pose are such culprits. Similar to reaching for the foot in one legged pigeon and then rotating (or "flipping" as it kinda feels to me) the shoulder blade down the back to allow the elbow to point up, Bow asks this of us with BOTH ARMS for crying out loud. Because of the curve in my spine I sub consciously or maybe consciously skip over that particular version of one legged pigeon because I don't particularly like the reminder that the knot of tight muscle in my back makes it extra difficult. But it was decreed the pose of the day by the challenge! I had to give it a try. And since it's not actually painful or harmful, it's just harder, I made myself go through it. Once I get past the tricky place the pose feels amazing. The freedom and joy I mentioned before. That's what I felt and more. (hey! unintentional rhyme!)

The culmination of the challenge for me was Kapotasana. Full pigeon. I didn't even bother with the hand stand back bends that were the climax of the actual challenge. Full pigeon is a huge attempt for me. What with the neck extension and arms over head reaching for the toes. For this one, I just wanted to see how far off I was from reaching my feet, and with a playful, unconcerned attitude, I reached, and I reached and I might have grunted or squeaked, but I touched my toes! Ha! It was fun just to try. I am in no way close to being strong enough to hold it for five breaths but the fact that I attempted means I have taken a step closer.

This month of back bending brought me deeper understanding of myself. I sometimes coddle myself too much. I approach challenges with a relaxed attitude that suits me just fine. I can rise to a challenge without being reckless. I can do Kapotasana!?! The greatest knowledge I gained is that I can make myself feel better. I often feel stiffness or pain in my back from sitting (yes I'm guilty) and I have developed too much tension in my neck from reacting to chronic headaches. And the scoliosis in there somewhere too. However it all melts away and I feel rejuvenated -even reborn!- after these deeper back bends. Coming out of them is like waking up from a thrilling dream and feeling ready to either take on the world or slip, smiling, back to sleep. (You can guess which of those I was leaning towards on this day)

Yoga Lifestyle Tips - The Niyamas

Some people may wonder, how does doing stretches and exercises in yoga affect the rest of my life? If you are interested and willing to learn more about yoga, you will realize that every part of the practice is applicable to every part of life. What is especially helpful is looking at the whole picture of yoga and not just the physical aspect. So we come to the whole "tree" of the yoga lifestyle. We talked about the first limb called the Yamas, last month. This month we will look at Niyamas. The first limb has to with social disciplines, the second has to do with individual disciplines. The Niyamas give us things to work on our selves which means there is no delay, no excuses! Dive in and give them a try and see what you come up with.

The Niyamas:

Saucha - cleanliness - this is most likely a no-brainer. Taking care of your own health is a huge part of a yoga lifestyle and a huge part of any lifestyle that aims to bring happiness and well-being. So keep your body clean with good, natural foods, clean your teeth well, clean your body well, keep your room and your environment clean, and use natural cleaners for your home. You can make your own products for pretty much everything these days - there is tons of information out there. Or, supporting someone who makes homemade soaps or cosmetics for example is a great way to practice the yama of non-harming (not giving your support to big companies who pollute the earth, pay horrible wages, and do animal testing). If you are wondering how a clean room or house will make your life more "yogic" then just notice how it feels when you are in a cluttered, dusty room, in comparison to when you are in a spacious, clean room. Does it not feel more relaxing? Like you have the room to breathe and to think? Our environment plays a big role in how we are feeling, and sometimes it can mirror our state of mind. The releasing of old patterns of negativity or unhappiness can be kick started with the releasing of actual old junk or unneeded items in your immediate surroundings. Even the very act of cleaning your body can become a daily practice in letting go of stress or unwanted energies from your self. Try making your shower or bath a moving meditation where you feel the water and soap washing away anything that is bothering you.  

Santosha - contentment - sounds nice doesn't it? Contentment. Wouldn't it be loverly (my fair lady anyone?) to have your life just as you wish it could be and then you could be happy - content. This is not what this niyama is about. In yoga, your contentment is within your grasp and within your control. It is not something you have to long for. Santosha means you actively choose contentment. Basically, it's the old "think positive" advice. But as cliche as it may seem, it's absolutely worth it. If a person looks at any part of their life and looks for what is ALREADY there that makes them happy, then they can feel content whenever they choose! It is a discipline, yes. It is very easy to focus on all the stuff that sucks. But that's just because it is a habit. Somewhere along the way we get into a habit of talking and thinking about the stuff in ourselves and our lives that make us unhappy. The good news is habits can be broken. It takes effort. Consciously CHOOSING to think about and talk about the things that make us happy will naturally bring us contentment. Give it a try, but don't expect overnight results. Be patient but persistent.

Tapas - heat - how can heat be part of a lifestyle? Heat is the fire that keeps our engines going. It is the passion in your soul, it is the driving force that will carry you forward. Heat is so important in the practice of yoga. For one - it is the sweat we generate in our bodies when we exert ourselves in poses and sequences. More so, it is the fire of breath. Breathing exercises in yoga are the ultimate fire -stokers. When we take control over our breath, our life force, we give fuel to our internal fire. Our internal fire helps keep our digestion and metabolism functioning well, but it also gives us the energy to persevere in our journeys. Tapas can also be interpreted as discipline. Anytime we buckle down and put our minds to a task, we are using discipline. Self-discipline may not sound very fun or relaxing but it is absolutely essential for bringing about change and growth. If we were complacent with ourselves and our lives and never got fired up to do anything we would become lifeless, lusterless, uninteresting blobs of people. We need our heat, our discipline, to take us beyond our so-called limitations. Tapas takes us through discomfort and brings us to the otherside, where we find strength, courage and wisdom. 

Svadhyaya - study of self and scriptures - Know thyself. Read books. This niyama may be a tough one for some. What scriptures are we supposed to be reading? I believe that is completely up to you, but as an avid supporter of reading, I would encourage anyone to study whatever scriptures you can. I believe that the more a person reads, and the more varied their reading material, the greater their humanity. Learning about ideas and thoughts from a variety of times and places and viewpoints is priceless in it's ability to expand one's mind and bring about compassion. Through studying what others of shared, one can begin to make informed thoughts of their own to share. Beyond reading, however, taking the time to study yourself is an important, on-going task. You are your own universe within the universe. You perceive the world through your body, your senses, your brain, and your spirit. You interact with the world in the same way. Being on this planet without taking the time to study yourself and be with yourself would be a huge waste of time. To study yourself, you can try taking an objective approach. Observe yourself as often as possible. Be prepared to recognize not only your good qualities, but also your shortcomings. When you can see yourself as a true whole, you can make choices and take actions that will take you closer and closer to your authentic self. The self you have inside of you that is already waiting to be unleashed. The self that is full of energy, love, and possibility. 

Ishvara Pranidhana - study of or surrender to divine - for anyone who is religious this may come naturally. This idea that we are not alone and that we are all connected through a divine consciousness that guides and protects us. Giving into this idea may not come as easily for others. When things can go so badly and there can be so much hurt in the world, how can there be any divinity? One way of looking at this niyama is taking a smaller step - perhaps studying those who are happy and well. What I mean is, how about start with learning about the people who are/were enlightened. Whether it's historical figures or someone you happen to know who exudes alot of peace and harmony. Study them. What are their views, their practices? I remember my psychology professor telling our class how interesting it would be to begin expanding the field of positive psychology. If you have ever taken a psychology course, there are dozens and dozens and dozens of studies on criminal minds, violent minds, psychopathic minds, broken minds, sick minds. That's interesting and possibly necessary. But why are we harping on this field to the exclusion of studying happy minds, peaceful minds, enlightened minds? That question really stuck with me, and when I came across the teachings of yoga and this niyama, it made alot of sense. Studying any divinity we can find in this world can go a long way towards giving into the idea that it exists! Whatever your word for the divine, whatever story line you follow, the idea that there is a loving energy that we are a part of, is one that can be truly uplifting. 

Looking at Yama

A new day, a new year, that could seem the same as any old day, any old year. What is the big deal? Well, there is none unless you want it to be so. I am choosing to use the number on the calendar as a catalyst for focus and direction. As 2014 begins today, I am going back to the beginning of my yoga practice. Today is the first, so I begin at looking at the first limb of the eight-limb path of yoga.

In the ancient text "Yoga Sutras" by the sage Patanjali, the yoga lifestyle is outlined into eight parts or limbs. I enjoy the term limb here because it seems too simple and linear to describe yoga like a magazine article "8 Amazing Ways to Get the True You!" Eight limbs imply that each is a branch that is part of one whole tree. Which is much more accurate to the reality of life and living. Everything is interconnected. Practicing any part of yoga helps enhance the whole "tree".

Yamas- or social disciplines/ethics, are the first limb. Goodness knows the world needs more people to stop and reflect on ethics, let alone make the step to putting them into practice. As I always say to myself and anyone who will listen - just by practicing yoga and developing yourself, you do the whole world a favour!
There are five in the Yoga Sutras and they are as follows:

ahimsa - non-violence
satya - truthfulness
asteya - non-stealing
brahmacharya -  restraint
aparigraha - non-coveting

Fairly straight forward, but of course they are quite open to interpretation. What I like to do is first find a way to apply them to my practice of yoga on a mat. It would be pretty general to say, all these things are good in daily life and wouldn't the world be a better place etc etc. But if we all know that then why aren't we all doing it? Okay, there's probably lots of reasons but the point I'm trying to get at it is - we don't take time to PRACTICE. In the same way we learn skills through practice, we can learn behaviour and even thought through practice. By setting aside the time and energy to actively work on developing these five yamas we will be more likely to draw upon them in day to day situations. It's training. For the body, mind and spirit. Tadaa!

Non-violence on the mat can be applied in the way that you choose to treat your body during your yoga practice. If you are someone who wants to be better and better and gets there by pushing against your body's natural resistances with force, then you are actually doing violence to yourself. This is where we also use satya, truthfulness. If you are truthful with yourself about your current capabilities then you will know that it would be violent to force your way past. For example, imagine a person in a simple seated forward fold where the hamstrings and back are not yet flexible enough to allow them to reach their toes. They lie to themselves and say, yes I can if I pull really hard and force myself! This person is risking putting pressure on the lower spine which could lead to a slipped disk if repeated over and over. The reason for this person to even want to force themselves to reach their toes could be a lack of the fifth yama: non-coveting. See how it's all connected? Perhaps this person has seen pictures of other people in deep forward folds and covets that image or that body, wishing it were theirs.

Non-stealing is a bit harder to apply to just a person on a mat, but perhaps it could creep in when practicing with a group of people and being ethically strong enough to not steal from anyone else in anyway. Whether stealing a belonging, or an idea, or their sense of personal space.

Brahmacharya, restraint, is one of the yamas that is most open to interpretation since it has been referred to as sexual restraint. As soon as sex enters the conversation there tends to be some extremes in opinion, but the wonderful thing about yoga again - is that it's for YOU. If you feel strongly about something and having complete restraint or no restraint feels wrong to you then, you are in control of your own self and can choose to decide what is best. While I believe that sex is a hugely important in being part of this world, it still is another thing that we can use for our betterment or our downfall. Therefore it should be approached with full awareness. Restraint doesn't have to be just about sex as well. I see it as another way of saying: moderation in all things. Or just don't get so caught up in anything that causes you to lose yourself.

So the next time you practice try watching out for at least one of these yamas and you may find that a few others come into play. Observe and experience.

Happy New Year!

Focus Post Three: Getting Low - Chatarunga Dandasana

One of the most outwardly noticeable benefits I've gained from my yoga practice is toned arms. I've had a few people come up to me and ask what am I doing that has made my arms the way they are - the answer is simply yoga! My yoga practice includes a lot of sun salutations as is the tradition in ashtanga or power styles of yoga. After running through several sun salutations I will have done up to 10-20 chatarunga dandasanas or four point positions. Needless to say that's a great upper body work out right there. Besides the aesthetics, weight bearing exercise is necessary for building and maintaining healthy bones as we age.

Upper body strength can be a real challenge for some of us and it's important to do our poses with safe and proper alignment. Using full awareness and acceptance of where you are at physically will help you to choose your pose for any given moment in your practice. Of course we would all like to be able to instantly perform the hardest variation of a pose but the reality is, you must start from where you ARE before you can go somewhere new. I will include variations and options to lead up to a full chatarunga dandasana.

Begin in a solid plank pose. This means you are making one long straight line with your body, hands under shoulders, toes on the floor, just like the top of a push-up. Whenever you are in plank check that your hips are not sticking up in the air higher than your back, or sagging down to the ground. Hold your belly up and in towards your spine. Ideally, for chatarunga now all you have to do is bend your elbows! Sounds so simple. Of course it's a lot of work. Chatarunga should also be a straight line with the body but now your shoulders and elbows are level with each other. It can be tempting to dip the shoulders down lower than the elbows in this position which I didn't realize I was doing for some time until I checked myself out. So take a quick glance if you can or use a mirror for the first few times to get a sense of how low or not low that feels for you. When you bend your elbows, bend them straight back and not poking out to the sides, otherwise you are doing a push up. Imagine hugging your elbows against your torso.To help your upper body hold your weight so close to the pull of gravity think of reaching out through your heels and extend your knees so the legs send strong energy out through the lower body.

Now if you are in plank and the thought of bending your elbows is bringing images of face planting in the floor, then you are not yet ready for chatarunga. But don't despair, there are options as always! From plank, touch your knees down to the floor like a modified push-up. Keep your weight forward over your hands and simply lower your body down the ground WITHOUT sagging your hips down first. Keep that straight line feeling in your body and just lower straight down. Again keep energy in your toes, reaching out through the heels and don't let your feet fly up off the floor. If you want to try the next harder option before chatarunga, then start by touching the knees down, keeping your weight over your hands. This time as you bend your elbows (hugging them beside your body) keep your butt exactly where it is so that your chest touches down to the floor. If it helps, you can think of sticking your bum out slightly at the same time that your elbows bend. Now your toes, knees, hands and chest are touching the floor. By the way, don't forget to look forward for this one so you don't face plant. This may look a little awkward but the added challenge of lowering your chest down before the hips will build the strength you need in your triceps, chest and shoulders to prepare you for a chatarunga. Or, again, if you are aware of what your body is doing and you notice that your belly wants to sag down, then work on lowering straight down from the modified plank position.

If you truly want to build your upper body strength and develop a fluid transition between poses then practice your plank to chatarunga (or other option ) to the floor as often as you possibly can. If you are moving from downward dog to plank, lower down through your chatarunga option to your belly and then either push straight back up, or move into a cobra or up dog. Play around with variations until and above all stay present with your self. Find your point on the fine line between doing a pose properly and giving yourself just enough challenge to grow and build.

Focus Post Triangle - or Ninja Skills Training

Triangle pose, a.k.a trikonasana, is a fundamental pose in the library of yoga postures. It's a tricky one in the sense that it is tempting to cheat the pose and not gain it's maximum benefits. It requires an honest approach and a strong internal focus.

To set yourself up for Triangle take a wide stance facing the long edge of your mat. Turn out your right foot to point to the short edge of your mat, leaving your left foot, the back foot, where it is. Take a moment to solidify your legs- meaning they are going to remain straight so think of pulling up your kneecaps to activate your thigh muscles and stabilize your legs.

Now take a full breath in and open your arms out to the sides. As you begin to exhale reach your right fingertips out past your right toes by leaning from the waist - not by bending the knee. This reach will get the length on the sides of your torso established and then you can rest your right hand on to your right leg. This is the point where utmost honesty is required! If your knee desperately wants to bend, do not take your hand so far down your leg. Perhaps rest on your upper thigh, or mid thigh, or knee, or if you can reach your shin or a block or the floor! There are tons of options as you can see. The hard part is being patient and kind enough with yourself to recognize where you should be without letting your ego dictate for you. Now, once you have settled where you can reach your hand to (for this moment - of course it could always change) the left arm reaches straight to the ceiling. This upper arm needs as much attention as the bottom, don't let your shoulder sag into your ear. Keep imagining space between your shoulder blades.

If you have an injury or issue with your shoulders however, do NOT take your hand to the ceiling. Just bend your elbow and rest your hand on your hip paying attention the space between the shoulder blades. You also have options with your head. Usually the eyes gaze up to the thumb but if you have neck injuries or issues, stay looking straight out or even down at your foot.

Now, Triangle is not only a fantastic stretch and release for the torso, inner thigh and hamstrings, but it is very strengthening for the hip rotators and thighs. To get this maximum benefit of the stretch and strengthening you must find your inner ninja. Say what? Yup. Once you are in your triangle pose imagine you are a ninja trying to sneak your way through two walls, or for the modern day ninja, between laser sensors. Your butt can not stick out. Your chest can not fall forward. So avoid those walls or sensors, roll your top hip (in this case the left one) back as you send your bottom hip forward and line up your torso over your leg. You want to feel as if you are attempting to flatten yourself out.

And there you have it, some ninja training, some side stretch, some hip and leg strengthening, some ab tightening, some shoulder stabilizing and - breathing! Right! Of course right.

This pose can also be used for warming up in a flow or vinyasa sequence. If you want to make the pose dynamic set up your legs, inhale your arms out, exhale leaning all the way down to your triangle shape and inhale yourself back up to standing. Keep the legs as they are and just repeat the body action. Lower on exhales, rise up on inhales. To make a longer sequence alternate between triangle pose and warrior two. The set up of the feet is exactly the same so you could inhale the arms out, lunge into warrior two on the exhale, inhale to standing, and exhale leaning out and down into triangle, inhale to standing and repeat.
This combination is great for building some heat and getting circulation going if you are feeling particularly stiff or cold before attempting to hold the posture alone. Once you feel warmed up work up to holding your triangle for 5 easy breaths. Easy meaning not gasping and not rushing the breath. If you have difficulty making an easy breath that's the sign that your ego took over and made you go farther than is right for you. Always make sure you can breath. It may be effort but it should not be gasping.

Focus Post

Procrastination. There is no excuse. No good reason. That is what it boils down to. Terrible procrastination.

But what a fantastic feeling to break through the procrastination wall and be on the other side that is full of motivation and purpose and forward movement! How did I get here? No idea. Well, small little pushes and shoves from my self and others. Not sure what the magic formula was exactly but I'm not going to analyze it in case it disappears under scrutiny.

So let's get to the point. Here is a Pose/Sequence Focus Post!

I want to begin with one of the most common and popular poses in yoga. Warrior! In this day and age of sitting on couches watching tv, sitting at desks writing and reading blogs, sitting in the car on roads packed with more cars we desperately need some warrior spirit to kick us into gear. Warrior II in particular is such a powerful pose to me that it is the best for invoking a warrior attitude - a can-do attitude - a WILL-do attitude. As you may or may not know my motto is Never Stop Moving. Stolen from the great Luigi actually. He coined this motto. A jazz dancer who nearly lost his ability to walk when hit by a car, but trained himself to dance again and teach others to dance. How warrior is that right?

Warrior II strengthens the legs from top to bottom, opens the hips, relieves issues related to the lower back (such as sciatica) opens the chest and energizes the whole self.
How does this pose do so much?
When you set up for Warrior II  you are standing very wide with one foot pointing to the top of your mat and the other foot pointing to the long edge of your mat. The leg that has the toe pointing to the top of the mat is the leg that bends to 90 degrees (ideally). The bent knee should be directly over the ankle joint and not over the toes, going beyond the ankle joint will put too much pressure on the knee joint. The back leg is long and straight.

The spine is directly vertically above the pelvis. If the hips are tight the body has a tendency to lean forward. To correct this imagine your pelvis is a bowl full of water that you are not allowed to spill.

The arms are extended out to either side of your body with palms facing down to the floor.

As you hold Warrior II for about five full breaths, use imagery to engage your body on a deeper level. Imagine your thighs are wrapping up, back and around the leg bones - this alone will make sure to activate the outer hip rotator muscles which includes the glutes! Next imagine your pelvis is heavy and dropping towards the floor (while still keeping the "bowl of water" level) and at the same time imagine your head is floating up to the ceiling. This imagery helps to create space in the vertebral joints of the spine which will alleviate issues that affect the lower back. Finally, imagine your fingertips are being pulled in opposite directions to further stabilize the rotator cuff muscles (surrounding the shoulder joint) and open the chest.

Once you have arrived in your Warrior II, pay attention to your breath and pay attention to your mind! This is where cultivation of will power enters the practice. Your mind may start to tell you things like - that's enough, my legs are starting to get tired, the stretch is getting intense. As long as you are still breathing you are okay. There is no need to react to those thoughts. A warrior fights for what is right. You can fight for your willpower to go beyond what you think you are capable of and come through the other side with a sense of accomplishment.

Don't forget that your pose is YOURS as well. If you want to come in and out and test the waters first, go ahead! If you want to challenge yourself and add a variation like Sun Warrior, also go ahead! Add dynamic movement by inhaling into sun warrior and exhaling back to warrior two etc. Explore your inner warrior!

Detaching to Feel Whole

I have been grappling with the concept and practice of detachment, or objectivity.

In my asana practice I remind myself to stay observant. This observing perspective helps to keep me at a slight distance from myself. I observe what feelings are arising in my body, the joints, muscles, organs, etc. I observe what my breath is doing as I change from shape to shape. I observe where my mind wanders.

I like to approach it as studying myself with curiosity.
Like a scientist watching over their lab experiment. What is the subject doing now? and Now?
Except I don't record anything down. I just observe. I don't collect pages and pages of notes to store and fill up my bookshelves. I just observe. What's happening now? The next time I come to my mat I observe again. Starting fresh.

In meditation I use different breathing techniques or mudras or repetitive movements or mantras. Whatever the technique may be, my goal is the same. To be curious and observe what I do, what I feel, where I go.
I find this is effective in stepping away from myself. After reflecting and of course observing myself and how I feel or react in daily situations I have realized that I need to develop my ability to detach. To step back and find a place where I can not be influenced away from how I want to be. What I mean is, I know I am easily caught up in external forces and therefore I need to expend more energy protecting my "happy place" so to speak. There are probably many of us who take on other's feelings when we are in close proximity. Or even if they are on the other side of computer screen, far away. There are those of us who are sensitive to suffering big and small all around us. While it is valuable to be empathetic, there is always need for balance. When this empathy effects my whole day, or night it is time to work on the opposite to balance it out. Detachment.

Let me be perfectly clear - detachment is NOT indifference. It is NOT not caring. In the same way I can be observant of myself while I breathe, I can be observant of myself while I am caring or empathizing. The ability I'm trying to build is to stay in the observing space, the detached space more often so as not to be swept down a spiral of external influence. I want to feel as though the detached observing space is a true place to exist. This place still allows me to interact in the real world but the fact is I could interact with a vision of the bigger picture. I could interact for the greater good as opposed to blindly following the paths of fear, hurt, doubt, separateness that have been laid out for us in this society.

By stepping back and detaching from immediate impulses and reactions, I can interact with the world from a place where I can see my small part of the greater whole. My connection to everything. If we lived every day as if we KNEW we are part of everything, I believe we would all act a little differently. I am trying to get there.

I personally love the quote: ( I can't remember which great being it came from but lets focus on the message and not the messenger eh?) You are not a drop in the ocean, you are the ocean in a drop.

Brilliant.

So by detaching, observing, being curious I am striving to achieve a daily experience of being the whole ocean in a drop. This drop, my being.

New Year progress from Mid Year Resolutions

Happy New Year everyone! I'm not going to talk about new year's resolutions. We can make resolutions any day, any time, any where. But just as a happy update - my mid-new year resolution back in...the middle of the year was about practicing more ashtanga style and working on my strength in those infamous jump-throughs. Soooo guess what? Since that time I have successfully completed a grand total of TWO, count 'em, TWO jump throughs! The moment the first one happened I flowed right into a seated forward fold and beamed at my shins for a full five minutes. I was so surprised and so proud!

I had did as I said I would, I worked more on upper body and core strength and breaking down the jump through. My upper body work consisted of adding more planks, more dolphins and even developing pincha mayurasana (elbow stand). The core work was various pilates - like exercises and a sprinkling of tolasana (scale pose). And then, finally, one evening practice. As I was in downward dog and about to attempt my broken down version of jump through, a thought popped in my head. In a split second I said to myself, Hey, let's try not making this a big deal. It's only a moment of effort and it probably doesn't even take as huge an effort as I'm making it out to be in my head. I going to do one now. No problem. I pushed off, and before I knew it I was gently lowering myself to the ground with my legs through! I hadn't lost energy (or nerve) at the halfway point where I drop my feet, recollect myself and finish the rest after awkwardly scuffling my feet past my hands. Now it DID take a big effort so much so that I couldn't do anymore after that, but I was absolutely fine with that. I now have in my muscle memory a complete jump through. And it truly is in my muscle memory because I was able to repeat one about a month or more later!

How fitting, too, that I was able to do it when I mentally said "meh, I'm just gonna do it".

I always come back to Baron Baptiste's catch phrases. "Don't try hard. Try easy."

So simple eh?

Have an Open Heart and Carry Strong Arms

Here we are, the end of September. Usually it is one of my favourite months because it is the month of summer giving way to autumn, leaves falling in the breeze, colours changing, maybe even breaking out a light scarf....Buuuut I am now living in a tropical land so this month is exactly like the one before and the one before that. It's hot. Basically.

So as the year continues to fly on, I also continue to face limitations on the mat. I have accepted where I am at with my jump-throughs (breaking up the flowing movement into parts and checking my form at each point). Now I have added exploring Pincha Mayurasana or feathered peacock. 

This elbow stand is extremely strengthening for the upper body, especially the shoulders. To prepare for this pose I have been incorporating forearm plank and dolphin pose and then rocking back and forth between them. This got my shoulders and whole upper body working harder as well as getting used to shifting the weight of my pelvis while staying supported on the elbows. 

As much as feathered peacock demands shoulder strength it also requires opening in the chest. Again, as always yoga is asking us to balance two opposites within one moment. By holding my entire body weight on my forearms I have to be strong enough to press into the ground through my shoulders, however I also have to be supple enough to open my chest towards the floor without face planting! It's quite the feeling when I realize that as much as I want to be "up there" and STAY I can not accomplish that through rigidity and holding. In fact I have to be able to sink into the chest ever so slightly. Almost like a spring absorbing some impact without completely flattening out, when my legs reach up over head I allow my heart to dip a hair closer to the floor as my weight realigns over my hands.

I am falling in love with inversions. For the second time. I remember being a small girl out in the backyard going to my favourite spot which was marked as a little flat patch of grass going up into handstands over and over again. The bravery of putting your face close to the ground and flying your feet up towards the sky literally puts your whole world upside down and for me it is a freeing feeling. Even if I only get there for a fleeting moment it is extraordinary. To feel the part of your body that usually holds weight, floating in the air!

I notice that it also helps my recently stiff lower back release and decompress. Ahhhh if only I could stay there and decompress for a whole minute or two! I will work up to that. 

The main challenge of the pose for me is keeping the forearms parallel. As I began working with this asana my elbows kept pulling in towards eachother making a kind of triangle with the arms. Which is not the placement  for Pincha Mayurasana but at first seemed beyond my control! They just couldn't stay parallel to eachother! Then I watched a helpful video by ashtanga teacher Kino Macgregor who suggested first working on dropping down to forearm plank from regular plank by turning the elbow creases to face forward before folding the elbows straight back and down to the floor. This is where I felt exactly how much strengthening needed to happen in the outsides of the arms and shoulders especially. Just to keep the elbows in line with the hands and hold a forearm plank with parallel forearms takes a ton of outer arm strength. So that's the way I practice my forearm planks now as I build up to elbow stand. However its so tough I'm sometimes too fatigued to go through to the inversion! Which I just take as a sign that my body is not yet ready. Nothing wrong with that, just have to respect it and work on what needs to come first. Strong outer arms and an open heart. 

Stumbling across dynamite advice on youtube

So far I am somewhat sticking to my new-mid-year-resolution, although I'd like to be doing it more than once a week. Then again, as I'm just starting out I think making sure I don't miss a week is quite good.
The last two weeks of trying my hand at ashtanga primary series have been pretty cool. The five sets each of sun salutation A and B are both my nemesis and my ally. I love how sweaty and warmed up they get me, but they sometimes loom in my mind as something I have to "get through". Of course, being the first thing on the to-do list of the series can make them feel that way, but ultimately I am grateful for them. Instantly I am brought nose to nose with my breath. As I match each movement with a breath I can feel the exact moments during a salutation where I have more ease or struggle. My exhale during uttanasana (forward fold) is usually more languorous than during downward dog after the many chatarungas and upward dogs. Being aware of the different quality of breaths during the salutation alerts me to where I need more work.
As my heart rate increases and my body heats up, the breath will naturally follow and quicken as well. Using ujjayi is the best remedy I find for slowing and steadying the breath, no wonder it is a pillar of ashtanga style yoga.
I must say I have made my peace with my jump throughs. I found a great youtube video that broke them down really well and made me feel as though I am closer on my way to doing a "real" one. I liked how the woman in the video said wherever you feel weak, hold there to build up strength. Seems so straight forward, like no duh! But it's such excellent advice when you think about it. Something like a jump through that is difficult, can be practiced in parts, but who's main purpose is flow and smooth transitioning can be practiced in a fleeting way. You don't spend five breaths in a jump through like other poses so if you're not happy with your progress yet, you just keep going passing over it and thinking, you'll try again next time (after the next pose and then after the next). Then each next time you're getting more and more tired so you would spend even less time working on the nitty gritty of the jump through and carry on.
Well, since my goal in sticking with this primary series includes improving upper body strength and core strength I found her advice of holding where you are weak to be just what I needed.
As I hop my feet up to my hands from plank I can keep my belly and upper back lifted for just a moment in order to let my toes rest behind my wrists before hopping them through my hands and extending my legs to hover my bum down to the floor again. The moment my toes rest before extending the legs is my weakest spot and wouldn't ya know it, the hardest moment to hold properly. I can tell my body is sagging and allowing my weight to rest in my feet when I should be lifting even more from the core and pressing down with the arms. Seems gravity defying, trust me I know, but each time I come to that moment instead of hastily passing through I give myself a pause to try just hovering my feet off the floor in the exact position where I want to rest. And ohhh the strengthening! I'm feeling it! It's exhausting and exhilarating. I usually end up chuckling to myself after a few since it begins to bring up feelings of angry frustration. Angry frustration always strikes me as funny.
After thinking about that simple tip - hold where you feel weak - it becomes incredibly applicable for life in general too. If you are to ever improve your weak spots, or overcome your obstacles you have no choice but to stay with them, face them, work on them. Unless you are uninterested in changing/improving or perhaps aren't even aware you have any weak spots. Yet another example of why yoga is good for us! Go yoga whoo hoo! Do it to become aware of yourself, your true self, how you react to difficulty, and do it to train yourself to react in a way that benefits and nurtures you.

New Mid-Year Resolution or Oh My Gash These Jump Through Things Are Demoralizing

Okay, I have to admit I have not kept up very well with a recent resolution I made for myself. Several weeks ago I was sick with a hardcore fever and in the last few days of the sickness my dear partner took me to the beach to help cure my ails. While relishing the blue of the ocean, the refreshing salt in the air and the warmth of the sun I felt better in those moments than I had in the past several weeks! Of course as soon as I stepped out of the water I was back to blowing my nose every five seconds and wanting to conk myself out and escape from all physical sensations - lets just say the ride home was no fun, but still totally worth it for the moments of pure relief in that healing water.

In my blissful state of floating in that supportive ocean I decided I should try focusing on a more advanced sequence of yoga for my personal practice. I decided I would try sticking with this asthanga primary series that everyone's always talking about ;) When I first started learning yoga I taught myself from books when I was a teenager in highschool and the first book that changed my life was Journey Into Power by Baron Baptiste. His catchy inspirational phrases were exactly what I needed to hear in that time of my life and the power series he developed held just the right amount of challenge. Since then of course I branched out, completed teacher training, and tried workshops and classes in several different styles and traditions. There are still more I would like to experience but I know that when it comes to my own personal practice I gravitate back to the power series I first learned. 

I decided want to take it further now. I have an old print out of the primary series and found a video of the full series being done so I got a chance to see what the transitions were between postures. And HOLY COW, I now see why this "jump through" thing is important for this series. It's the transition between EVERY pose and every SIDE of every pose...okay, well not quite, but it seems it's done a hell of a lotta times!! Yikes! My first time trying to follow along with the video on youtube I realized this was a good decision since I can not do a jump through to save my life right now, and all this time I thought my upper body was moderately/decently strong. Nothing like yoga to bring your perception and expectations of yourself to a new place. 

So this resolution to work on the primary series will be tailored to what I am looking to improve upon: upper body strength, core strength, and balance. Oh and stamina. Yes. The last time I practiced the series I had company and it made a world of difference. When I practice by myself I realize my attention span is pretty short. But with my yoga buddy to join me (thanks Charlotte!!) we pressed on and did wayyyy more. Still didn't make it through every single pose, but then again I find doing four prasarita padottanasana and four paschimottanasanas and three janu sirsasanas a bit excessive in the hamstring department.

Today I have a free afternoon so I am going to plow forward (ah ah, plow pose! get it? ahhhhh) and attempt to get even farther through the series. I am NOT looking forward to my frustratingly clunky, floppy, uncoordinated jump throughs, but as Baron Baptiste said - do not despise the days of small beginnings. We all start somewhere.

Observer

I have determined, through reflection as well as through more obvious factual circumstances, that the main part I play in this life is one of an observer. From preferring to go off and wander up the big hill  in the school yard and sing songs to myself, or living as a foreigner in far away lands, I find myself falling into the category of "outsider" time after time. This is okay with me. It may have bothered me occasionally in the past, but I have come to accept this role and feel a safety here. I'm not saying that I go through life at a distance and separating myself and closing off. I have merely settled into this mind set of being ever so slightly stepped back from whatever I'm in.

What I mean is, I still enjoy being involved, being active, being out and about, as we Canadians are bound to say ;). But even while I'm IN something, I still have another set of eyes that I see through - an outsider's view. This is how I describe it and it's how I feel. I know it is just my perception, but I believe I come closer and closer to peace in fully understanding this perception. I'm sure many people who are labelled as "quiet" have this feeling at times due to our nature. I remember being told by my drama teacher in highschool that he could tell I was a person who took in everything around me; a person who internalizes. A person who internalizes doesn't always see a necessity to put extra effort into being heard and seen and otherwise be overly concerned with "output". I agreed with my teacher although I hadn't thought of it in those words. I liked that word though: internalized. It made me think of absorbing what is needed or beneficial, and rejecting or avoiding what is not. Nourishing the inner world. 

This tendency matches the kinds of things I am drawn to as well - dance (although it does usually have to be seen, it is more about the inner world than anyone who doesn't dance can begin to know), music (again usually heard but clearly a link to the inner world), yoga (duh), and enjoying the beauty and joy of nature and animals. When it comes right down to it, I think the world could use a little more observing. When we practice yoga we are learning to observe. We are asked to be IN something - a twisty pose, and yet stay aware of our breath and watch our thoughts and impulses without reacting right away. We are asked to sit or lie in stillness and watch our breath, feeling the motion and stillness at once. This is a state of observing, and according to Eckhart Tolle, the place where our true self lives. 

While, of course, life requires actions and reactions, there is also the need to BALANCE that with observation and non-reaction. Our day and age is one of hyperactivity, short attention spans, extreme highs and lows, good and bad tensions, etc. The trick is to level out the extremes. If we could all learn to take ourselves outside of the small pictures, maybe even step outside the big picture all together, we may find more peace. As an outsider, it is not my place to outwardly judge or control. I am not in a position to influence or change. I am an observer so the judging or changing will be within myself. The most I can do is to take in what's around, keep what I consider to be helpful and discard what I consider to be harmful. By observing as much as acting we can manage the extremes and move through life more easily. I am a huge fan of action - not the movie genre, although some are good. I fully embrace the drive to create, to improve, to communicate, to interact, to care, to try things. I just feel the QUALITY of our actions are being affected by a lack of observing before, during, and after. 

Summits and Savasanas

A week or two ago I embarked on my second mountain hike in Trinidad - the much anticipated high high peak of El Tucuche. I had heard that it was twice as hard as my previous hike (Paria Falls), which had kicked my butt, especially on the way down leaving me with blackened toes that are only now starting to look normal again. 

So after much deliberation choosing proper, extremely comfortable shoes I was feeling prepared and pumped to plunge into this next challenge. I was bracing myself for the worst based on the difficulty (but fun! honestly!) of Paria several months ago. Just imagining how hot and sweaty and huffy and puffy I'd soon be didn't make me all that excited, but I was looking forward to being in nearly untouched nature again. And in fact I was also looking forward to going through the discomfort of hiking in Trinidad heat and coming out the other side. I was looking beyond the inevitable icky parts and feeling reassured that afterwards I would enjoy the sweetness of cool water and a long shower. And deep rest. The kind of pure deep rest that can only be felt after approaching some kind of exhaustion. 

In exactly this way, the hike reminded me of a good old, sweaty, yoga session. The kind that makes your arms and knees quiver and your face (well mine anyway, blast my pink cheeks!) flush until you feel the pulse of your heartbeat in your skin. The hike was, as promised, straight UP. Right from the get go I was trying to keep my breathing steady as we stair-mastered our way up the steep mountain side. Just like those first sets of sun salutations that get your blood circulating. I liked smiling at everyone around as we silently acknowledged how hard we were all working. If we were passing someone, or being passed, the vibe was always supportive. 

By the time we got higher up into the thick of things I was in my element. The initial push was over and now the air was cooler, the cover of trees kept the trail shady. This is my kind of climate. Cool and not too sunny. I was feeling sprightly and nimble and still concentrating on making good foot holds and steadying myself with my hands in the muddy earth. This is the part of class where you are warmed up and practicing familiar poses that feel like home, fine tuning and bringing your breath and body into natural unison. Now I say I was feeling nimble which is true, but it was still a hell of a push to get our tushes to the top of this summit. And coming DOWN. That was an arduous task. Lots of concentration, willing ourselves not to slide full speed ahead down through the roots and leaves (and snakes I'm sure) on our butts. This was like the point in a yoga session where you are determined to work on your most challenging poses and are starting to feel your muscles tiring and your resolve wavering. But of course, much like the hike situation where you have no choice but to dig deep and maintain control and concentration so as not to slip and go plummeting down, you persevere and bring your body and mind to the brink of it's limit. 

And then we were done! We had made it! My legs were wobbly and my tummy was rumbling with hunger and thirst. We had arrived at one of my favourite parts - the heightened joy of simple things: a long drink of water and sitting. Ah sitting. Upon arriving home, digging into a plate of food, showering off the sweat, mud, burrs, leaves and any critters picked up along the way, and soon after falling blissfully asleep. This is that release into Savasana or corpse pose, lying back on the floor after a grueling yoga session. Letting all the concentration and effort now drop away, allowing the mind to expand farther and deeper than before you took your first breath on the mat. 

This beautiful hike with it's incredible view, sweet air, and intricately intertwined life forms reinforced the way I feel about why we do yoga. Or why we hike. Or why we do anything to take ourselves out of our daily comfort zones. Not only do the moments of difficulty teach you about yourself and how you deal with stress or hardship, it also makes the mundane seem magical once the hardship is over. It brings out the original beauty in simple everyday sensations. Yes I drink water and shower and sleep everyday. But I appreciate those things so much more after putting myself somewhere I am more thirsty, more dirty and more active than the rest of the hours in my days. 

This renewed appreciation for simple pleasures is a mind space of expansion. Which is why most yoga classes finish in Savasana. After narrowing the minds focus to one point (breathing, holding a pose, putting one foot in front of the other), letting go of that focus means the mind naturally expands back out with a wider scope. Taking you farther out of your usual habitual mindset. Taking you to a moment or more of pure presence. 

Practicing Presence in Times of Reminiscing

I think we all have at least one time in our life where we reflect back and say, I wish I could go back. Those good old childhood days, the crazy college days, the passionate days of a new relationship...ahhhhh. If only we could time travel and enjoy those times again. I find myself looking back to a few times that I'd like to revisit, just for pure enjoyment. I don't regret anything, but I do feel a bit of sadness at the passing of time. I guess that means I'm really getting old, oh man! Getting flare ups of misty-eyed-reminiscing-syndrome!

Of course, self reflection is a continuous and necessary process for personal growth and what not. So I shouldn't feel so bad for having a nostalgia episode. Here goes. My whole life I was involved in dance. Since the age of three I began dance classes and never ever wanted to stop. It was my number one passion and joy. I began with ballet, as most little girls do it seems, and right away my teacher noticed I had a knack for the subtler side of dancing. Right down to the expression in the fingertips, the toe pointing and feeling the music. By the time my childhood teacher wanted to retire I had wanted to branch out and try some new types of dancing - acro, jazz, funk/hip-hop, and found each style brought out different sides of myself and I appreciated these different qualities. I remember coming home from classes feeling completely energized, tired and sweaty yes, but so full of happy bubbly energy.

As I danced all through high school and continued on to university, I could tell my identity was now intricately wrapped up in being "a dancer". We even talked about it in some classes where our professors urged us not to forget about other aspects of our selves and check out our other interests, because as all dancers know: it is a short-lived life. Even if the best dancer lasts into her thirties and beyond, it's just not the same as when your body is young and your mind is eager. I was as naive as the typical, plucky, optimistic girl in any story of wanting to "be a star!"(insert jazz hands). My version of being a star did morph and change and become a dream of just having access to dance space, creative people, and the occasional performance venue - such as choosing a clearing in the park between some trees. And I did begin my yoga training during this time and opened up another side of myself.

But I still cemented my personal identity in dance. How could I not. I felt the greatest, most meditative, ecstatic, highs while dancing. Beautifully imaged combinations in technique class, matched with spontaneous music. Exhilarating and exhausting performances indoors and outdoors, on cement, grass, or glossy black dance floors. The swirl of costume fabric and particles of old theatre dust. The various pre-performance rituals and the otherworldly, in-between, potential space of standing in the wings, ready to reveal yourself.
        

When school finally came to a close and I whisked myself off to Japan to gain life experience and some debt-paying-off salary, I came smack against a brick wall. I slowly realized, even though I was determinedly dancing on my own in my tiny apartment, I was no longer a dancer. I tried to call myself a dancer still and the more time passed since an actual performance or class, the more and more I felt myself fading into nothingness. Yes, I still have great friends, great experiences, great learning. But up until this day I haven't quite fully mourned the passing of Heather, the dancer. Which was who I was for my entire life. Not to be her is oddly empty. I haven't faced it fully until now. I have told myself that I am still a dancer at heart. I have told myself that if I can get on my own two feet someday (financial stability, a place to live, food to eat, etc. ) I will immediately go to the nearest dance class and enjoy an hour or two as my true self again and as often as possible. I have told myself there is nothing stopping me from dancing around the bedroom and feeding that identity in a smaller way. Which I do sometimes.

I am not closing off the possibility of dancing "for realsies" ever again. I am just trying to recognize and reconcile this identity crisis. It's not good or bad, it just is. Now is a time for drawing on yoga teachings. This is yet another way to practice presence. Sitting in this head space of being uncertain of my identity. Staying present with the uncomfortable feeling of uncertainty. Not judging this feeling as being good or bad. Not running away from it. Taking the opportunity to observe the back and forth, tug and pull, of thoughts. After all, as Eckhart Tolle says in his writings, we are not our thoughts. Our true selves are somewhere beyond our thoughts. The proof of this is the fact that we can observe our thoughts, as I am doing now. I am observing my thought patterns of nostalgia. And all the while the real "me" is beyond any of these thoughts. 

I am bigger, in the outer space. 

We all are. 

Hmmm maybe I should do a dance about it... :)

Go On, Be Kind

Why is it so hard to be kind to ourselves? Is it because of an external force, such as taking on others expectations? Is it an internal force of holding ourselves up to impossible standards? There are so many angles we could look at this from, but the fact remains that we have trouble being kind to ourselves. Which means we must all be walking around with some grey rain clouds over our heads. Well, then again, there are those who believe they are cool as cats and are probably quite happy with themselves. But I'd challenge any one of them to a yoga class and see what their reactions would be to certain poses. However, for all I know perhaps they'd approach any and all poses with an unshakable sense of satisfaction that no matter what they physically struggled with, they would remain content with themselves. 

So, unless a person has already figured out how to maintain consistent confidence and contentment with absolutely everything they do, most people react to at LEAST one pose with self criticism. Of course, we all know constructive criticism is always helpful and necessary. But these gut reactions aren't always that constructive. I can see plainly on people's faces they are embarrassed when they can't reach farther in a forward fold or are unable to sustain a balance as long as someone else. Obviously I assure them it doesn't matter, it's alright. However, I'm not so sure they believe me. When I say, it's alright, I am trying to convey those simple words of kindness first. Afterwards I will explain that the look of a pose is not the point, or comparing ourselves is not the point either. The feeling inside and awareness of the feeling is what we're going for, which I'm sure they understand but the initial reaction still lingers. 

I deeply feel it's important to send out kind words whenever possible. We are capable of understanding concepts and ideas of self improvement, but when we are in the heat of a moment, kindness can sometimes go out the window. I see it in myself when I have lost my motivation and energy to complete a full hour of practice and I hear myself berating me for not being better. While there is something to be said for an internal drive to be better I still try to be a small voice of kindness for others when they exclaim "I must be doing this horribly". Maybe they ARE doing "horribly" but according to what? Each day is different, each moment is different, bringing new challenges or relief. We are in constant fluid change. Maybe I don't need that full hour on this particular day at this particular time. Who am I to know for sure what's "better"? Maybe we need to do horribly in order to know what it's like? 

Might as well seize the moment to extend some kindness in this harsh world. So, it's alright. Don't worry. There will always be bigger things to fret over, save your energy for those things and in the meantime practice being kind to yourself. Don't stop working hard or moving forward, just try to be kind about it. 

Always there

Over this decade long relationship I've had with yoga there have been times where we are "on and off" -yoga and I. When I'm swamped at school or work or can't find a comfortable spot to practice I've given yoga a backseat or a break. This happens to us all. Life is busy, it's true. If it's not yoga that takes the backseat it could be your health in general or a relationship with a person or people or a hobby or a pastime.

When I was living in Japan for a year I had a time of transition and adjustment as I dealt with a bit of culture shock and the shock of living so far from home for so long. Before traveling I had just completed my university education and worked a long summer to save up the money for a plane ticket. During this time my yoga practice had been very sporadic if at all. When I arrived in my Eastern home and was excited to have my own little apartment all to myself I was pleased to have just enough space to do yoga at home. However I started to berate myself for not practicing regularly and for all the time that I not practiced over the past couple of years. I felt guilty and ashamed that I hadn't put in the effort to something I know would bring nothing but benefits. Just the way I'm sure others will say to themselves, I know exercise is good for me but I'm too tired. Of course I plugged along and made myself take time out and do some yoga whenever I really had no excuse not to.

But there was one day in particular that I felt something different that hit me in a very real way. I had gone to the upstairs classroom where I taught ESL classes when I knew no one would be using it. I had thought that I would give myself a boost by making a PLAN to practice somewhere there was space and quiet and once I was there I'd have no choice but to focus on myself. No running away today saying I'm too busy I have other things to do. 

So I began by sitting back and laying my face towards the ground in child's pose. I like to begin in this pose as it is reminiscent of bowing. The bowing represents to me that I recognize the beauty and sacredness of life and my body and my breath and to honour my connection with everything around me. It was in this pose that I surrendered my guilt of the past years for not being "better" or more dedicated. I let go of past self criticisms and just let myself enjoy the presence of the pose. I suddenly felt a wave of kindness, support and love from...yoga. It doesn't matter where the feeling came from or what I want to try and call that source. What mattered in that moment was the distinct feeling that yoga had been and always would be, there for me. Knowing that there was something always there for me, always ready to be there when I was ready to meet it, gave me a feeling of unconditional love and non judgement. It was freeing. I realized that it didn't matter what happened before this exact moment. The fact was I was there now, practicing being present. And whatever happened after that moment didn't matter either. I didn't have to make promises or goals. I just had to enjoy my existence in that moment. And whenever I wanted I could do it again. No pressure. No guilt, no excuses. 

Fancy words

Yoga is anciently known as a practice to achieve "cessation of the fluctuations of the mind". This doesn't automatically sound like something that has to do with twisting and breathing and balancing with a leg behind your ear, however it is truly a main goal, or rather beneficial side effect, of practicing any part of yoga. The main goal is probably different for every individual, since everyone comes to yoga with different hopes and expectations. The overall goal, I think, would be to let go of goals. Ultimately Samadhi or Bliss or Ecstasy is the "goal" but to reach this kind of state I believe takes a lot of letting go and we can learn to do this through yoga and through cessation of the fluctuations of the mind.

So what does that mean anyway? Anyone with a mind must know that it fluctuates constantly, or in other words races around non stop with a never ending stream of consciousness. Just think of those times when you're lying in bed about to go to sleep and you find yourself thinking about something. Then you get curious and you try to trace back your train of thought that lead you to think of that something. This is the fluctuating mind that is part of normal existence. Or you can use the image of brain waves that are undulating up and down during most waking states.

So does yoga really get us to cease and desist with this hyperactivity in our minds? And why do we need to do that anyway if it's so normal? Well of course our minds are amazing things and it's quite remarkable that we can take in so much information and store it and recall it and make abstract ideas with it. But what makes a mind truly remarkable is being well rounded. Our society and lifestyles encourage a multi-tasking, quick reacting, quick judging, surface scratching mind. Which is drowning out our natural ability to also do the opposite of that - focus on ONE thing, open up and let go of judging and take time to see beyond the surface. This may be a natural ability but one we're badly in need of practicing. Just like any other muscle if we don't use our concentration ability, we'll lose it. 

By practicing something like yoga we are challenged to put our bodies into a position that is potentially difficult to maintain and then are told to stay and breathe. Instantly our mind has thoughts racing by such as: ooh my leg is gonna start shaking soon; I don't think I look like her when I do this position what am I doing wrong?; this doesn't really feel like anything for me; this is a waste of time; breathe? huff puff huff puff okay, hurry up let's get on with it....etc. etc. etc. Sounds pretty fluctuate-y right? So we add that all important breath as a tool to begin working on that brain. Okay you are in this pose that strengthens the legs and boosts the immune system and tones the core, but as you are doing all of that, can you focus on ONE thing - your breathing? Can you focus on it and control it? Can you choose to become the master of your breath and not let it run away with you? This act in itself has begun to tame those fluctuations. It has given your mind  a task - use the sheer strength of your will to breathe slower and deeper when your body's habit is to breathe quick and fast and shallow. Of course there will still be more thoughts while you try to concentrate on breathing - I can't do it! I AM breathing, how much more can a person breathe? and so on :)

But that's why this is a practice. We won't be perfect. We won't get it right away. In fact we may feel as though we'll never get it, but the fact that we come back to practice again and again, time after time, shows that we are reaching a level of understanding.

Now that yoga has given us a way of learning to look past the up and down thoughts during a yoga pose, this can be applied to daily life. The next time you are in an uncomfortable position at work or in your personal life, see if you can feel yourself breathing. The split second it takes to step away from the situation and find your breath will be a moment that you are not spending getting caught up in your fluctuating mind as it reacts to the situation. It's an application of what is learned during mediation as well - meditation doesn't necessarily mean that the mind is cleared of all thoughts. It actually means that you are consciously stepping away from thoughts. They'll be there, racing around as usual, but you learn to let them race around without you. This ability, when actively practiced, will make you less quick to react to impulses. It will make you less likely to automatically act or think in a habitual way based on your particular upbringing and past experiences. What's wrong with reacting to impulses or thinking or acting according to your past experiences? It's not exactly wrong but it leaves out the possibility of being open to other options. Any time we act or think automatically it means we are not being mindful of our actions and thoughts. We are letting the fluctuations take us for a ride instead of being in the driver seat of our own life. When we step back from the up and downs, the impulses, we become present and fully conscious. From there we have a more objective and peaceful viewpoint. And wouldn't any mind like some more peace? So learn to create it for yourself. Do some yoga, or meditate, or just breathe. Practice being present.